Not that anyone cares but im in the process of moving from california so ive been absent for ages...
Not that anyone cares but im in the process of moving from california so ive been absent for ages...
Conversation # 1
Me - * valley girl voice* so tell me something youve never told anyone else!
Me- whatever you want. Im bored rn.
A- I slept with a transgender person
Me- okay, i-
A- but it was just for sex. It was a sexual thing...just for the experience. So...yeah
Me- well i think you-
A- i mean its a sex thing. Part of me has wondered if i was bi. But..nah...its just a porn shemale thing. Just for the contrast.
So...this conversation i had with a guy i was into. I wish cis straight men would reveal themselves to be transphobic alot sooner when we talk. I wish they would not tell me tidbits like this after asking them to tell me something "secretive". Upon asking them to reveal something juicy they plop fear of being labeled gay (because dating or sleeping with transwomen make you gay? How? Because the media and world like to convince us that transwomen are still men) and dont let you actually say your response. Not only to further the embaressment i feel for him, i try to reveal that gender does not eqaul sexuality and that his need to convince me of his "straightness" is not necessary at all. His as his creepy monolouge lengthens i realise that he is a chaser. He seems to vomit repedeatly about everything being "just sexual" and it sounds like a fetish at this point. This is someone who has professed to having a strong prefence for women of color, so my flags where already raised. ( while this is normally not a turn off for me, i do not accept fetishization from any man, even if he is himself a non black man of color). Connecting the dots i felt sick at his words and his complete emotional disregard for trans women of color. His need to drown me in thoughts of "sexual one off" was starting to really grate on my nerves. Why where trans women of color simply just a fixation? When i later tried to call him out, I got the response i had anticipated.
Me- so about what you said last night...you ha-
A- no I told you it was just about sex. I dont really have a race fetish either. I just like black women because thats who ive always been with.
(This is a guy who admits to being fucked up too)
Me - yeah.....hmm. Okay. Im busy. Goodnight.
Completely and totally angry is a feeling i can relate. to alot of the times these days. Growing up I always gravitated to The Bell Jar and The Great Gatsby and Girl Interrupted. I didnt think about it until recently. When i read Girl Interrupted in High school for an assignment, I gravitated towards the material so easily. There was always that somethinginside of me. A slow and steady run headlong at tragedy of the emotional and mental state. I remember the opening passage of a young girl in the ward setting herself afire. It spoke to me in a haunting way I could never pin down.
I felt the internal struggle to break free from the angiush of mental deteriation. The ability to transform the outer shell into something to match the raw emotion bottled inside the mind. To gain control over the entrapment of mental health issues. I am resuming these novels because I have recently thought of how important it is to constantly adress the conversation of well being. When i read Girl Interrupted and fell in love i didnt realise that anything was amiss.
I had no concrete information that my upbringing was a strange one. If enablers are present at every turn how would i have know? I had a pretty good grasp how fucked my family was when I left for Pasadena as a young student. I would have to say I was doing pretty well until iIbecame severly emotionally withdrawn for the first time in my life. I had a very long and destructive concersation with an estranged family member. It was as if everything that i had ever done or said was sucked into a black hole within myself.
I becane withdrawn and depressive. Immediately uninterested in most things. No sense of "happiness" or complacent joyfullness. I always justified my sad and angry demeanor as a a reactionary state to how i had been treated as a kid. Things i thought i was "over" now brought me to a panic in a bucket of tears. The depression and anxiety have always gotten worse on the path of my life.
Looking at my family always filled with my disgust and now fills me with dread. A look into the future is not always as great as you believe it can be. I have no solution to my problems. I can not pretend its not there. There is no meal ticket attached to those with emotional impared personalities. There is a long road full of singular outtings. Down time that is literally down time. The friend of depression is always a stint in solitude. There is something about being trapped within the mind after having been free to leave it.
Its okay!!! Im a seasoned idiot too. I know all too well the traps set up by myself! It can sometimes be so stealth and secretive. Youve got one eye trained on your hand and the other on what you are doing. Why is it so intoxicating to have a guy insare you like a rope of vines? I told myself to cut it off a long time ago with a guy, lets call him D. D was rude from the first time we spoke. In fact i had seen D at School hitting on a friend ( he didnt know we spoke). I was not interested in D at all. I was not uninterested due to the fact that he had tried to steamroll my classmate but rather that he did it with the finese of someone spitting out gum on the pavement. It took little effort with alot of agression. The latter i did not know until he set his sights on lil' ole me.
Some good links if you are in a relationship or thinking about one and question the behavior of yourself or someone else:
A can only give me exactly what he puts out there for me to pick over. He is cocky and smart and handsome. Like everyone with rose colored glasses i know that im seeing red. His anti-social behavior is dismissed quickly when you want everything to work. I have my own inclination to stave off attention from most people. I didnt see this as a warning. Toxic man ahead!!! The scubus was suppose to be very good looking despite its obvious intent. Pushing you to your limits to see how much bullshit and smarm you can handle.
So I find myself accepting his rampant and sometimes over the top sexuality. (Because are you not a good open person if you accept someone that might have an addiction?) I embrace it as a human flaw because of course we humans have our defections. I dont want to be uptight at all. We ala have "defections" that we are silently trying to overcome. A blight that i know all to well, keeping my judgement surpressed.
I should have turned away at this point in time. Not do to the sexual promiscuity but to the expectation this set up. A, a man acknowledging his troubling sex problems with little effort to show discomfort in it, still had his hooks in me. This is of course all me. I could have yanked them out before they sank any deeper. What kind of idiot doesnt have self control. I find myself shrugging now...me???
Yes... Me. No sense of actual terror when the alarm bells are ringing to the point of shrill pandamonium. They are screaming at me and if i where the bells id give up. Im gone. Im infatuated in a way i havent been in a long while. Maybe i like that. Its a disturbing thought. There is no such thing as infatuation so strong that you can no longer hear.
He has not had good long lasting relationships. He has various sexual fetishes (while they do not shock me they leave me puzzled). He wants a victorian "avid reader" type. Someone to constantly converse with depsite the conversation have little to no value for the reader.
He wants a girlfriend despite his never ending insaitable lust for bodies. He is like a warewolf in Alaska. He has no desire (or has trouble) making connections with other people. He is the alpha, there are no others on his level. He covers his pandering, dismissals and passive agression in thinly vieled jabs and jokes. He passion overflows into entitlement which im not sure he is even aware of.
There is i fear, a small part of him yearning for actual affection and desire. It makes you want to make it work. He tells me that he wants love and compaionship but dangles the fruit of sleeping with other women in front of my face. Am I to believe this is another "joke", it must be...because A is "smart" and i dont get it. I must be overreacting. When the gaslighting began I became instantly enraged.
I will admit to being a novice in the ways of dating (which he dutifully pointed out). I dont know if people becoming "serious" should talk multiple times a day or for extended hours. But to only to turn around and say that i am mistaken, we are in fact not dating! He can sleep with other girls and i can give other men oral pleasure. I should save myself for him until we can truly date. Hearing this drove me into the wall. But i heeded. Becaue he was and is partially right. We are not exclusive and i had never thought to think of it that way.
He had pushed most of the closeness we had gained through our interactions. He had expressed the need for the mushy gushing, despite how much i internally craved to supress it. I somehow ignored the casually mentioned line up of sexual partners waiting in the wings. Being tired and not knowing if this was another one of his jokes i waited for the punchline. There was none. Who knows what my reaction was meant to be but i remained silent. Like i had oddly done for various other jarring comments made frequently.
Constant critiques of my dedication and drive despite knowing nothing of my work. The excuses where always that i had told A enough to make good judgement. Good judgement my fucking ass. How can you pretend to know someone you dont ask about? And there it is. You dont really care. You are "preying" on someone you see as weak and just having a blast. The constant need to sexualize me (given that i was willing and wanting it) started to grate my nevres.
My lack of constant "penetration mode" seemed bothersome to A. Despite my being very willing to comply with alot of sexual favors (non-physical) I was still pressured. When i drew the line and could not muster up he energy to do anything for someone dropping hints of sleeping with others, the various faceless and namless women where dragged before me to gawk at. Names that i could not confirm or dismiss. He may very well sleep with these women and is the imagination that becomes the big man ith the whip and chains. Not him. Be it to tourture me for personal glee or shame me into a choice the fire i had been burning inside of me flitted out.
It was the sharp gust of wind i needed to shutter it out. My lack of enthusiasm about exacting sexual favors was the first time i started to hear complaints of me being "emotionally distant" or "monotone" and unready for dating ( another vieled jab at my supposed undateablity). When i would try to frankly discuss how i felt i got nothing. I was suddenly "lifeless". If i was so boring and mean why was i even interesting past the first conversation? Why bother continuing? Denial. I felt such coldness and denial I started to wonder and some ideas took form.
This person is a sadist. His gets off on degredation and he gaslights and turns off his emtions at the slightest hint of not getting his needs met. I was falling for more than a master manipulator. I was falling for someone who lacked empathy.
Someone with such little interest in my personaly life that he dismissed personal suggestions about my characater because he didnt "gleam" those qualities from me. His sexual appitite insighted fear in me that he was so ravinous that i would not be able to keep up. I would be come a thing to have had and desired once. I was to be made special by his feelings that he still desired me. I was a tyrant in so many words and yet, i was still the choosen one. Apparently sex with others wouldnt matter because I was special.
I was not an indiviual with flaws but a deeply passable person with who"normally" would have been discarded as a potiental mate already. I felt the attempted build up from him. A, and perhaps other must think thay they make you feel you've got a chance so she feels wanted but let her know shes nothing special because lets face it, who is? What girl is special enough for a man to put aside his perfectly normal desires? What girl is good enough to put up with for this long?
Shes not particularly smart or at least he wont allow you to think you are. They hide a good portion of the venom behind sarcasm. They will have emotional blow ups over small things and continue to call you to question your own descisions. I told A about plans i had and because of this bizzare need to control my actions to fit his needs he began to question me rapidly. Most know that once somone has denied or confirmed something as far as they are willing to elaborate it is time to let it go.
My explainations for things did where not good enough. My choices never "made sense" to him so he would constantly ask me to change my answer. I now realize that i was too bewildered by this need to control the conversation I forgot that my business is my business alone. What I choose to tell others is just that, what I choose. Nothing more or less and what largely impacts me is not something i need a harsh cheerleader to steer me on.
I did not understand his true interest in me until I realized the intent. I am a shiny new thing to be pondered over. I had given him several outs on which to discontinue communication. I then remembered that this person is a sadist. Not a so called "realist" but an actual emotional sadist.
I was not to end things I realized. He had to be the one to sqaush the bug. He needed to. He had to feel as if he had won. I was no longer fooled by attempts to satisfy me when he desired to keep contact only to later state that he was not "sure" about me. Hearing me confess that I felt strongly for him (which I did and still do) and never hearing it said once back.
This toxic power play created a lump in my throat once I trained my eye on it. An ever moving lazer drifting around between comforting, passive and cruel. Im learning how to never become a target again.
One of the reasons i dearly love Jane Eyre, from the moment i held it, was its name. Something about it was foreboding and it drew me to read it. I did the typical book dance of flipping it around a few times. I scanned the inside jacket and left the store with it. I admit that from the first scentence i connected with the story and self inserted. Jane was a strong girl with a will of iron. I admired her character in a way i could not with other "romantic" novels. She wasn't vain (some could say uninterested in her looks or slightly lacking self awareness in the lack of importance of if she lived up to the socities standards of beauty). She stood for something. The thin branches on a dying bush refusing to break. Maybe i have connected to the frailty of being at two ends. The inability to discuss with others the "ills" of a questionable childhood. The willingness to admit your weaknesses and frankness is neither a symptom of mistreatment but a refeshing dose of reality. Jane's ability to keep her reserve until the end despite being lied to. The problem i have with Jane Eyre is Mr Rochester and his wife. His narrative is one of the silentlt abused. His abuse is off screen. It is a tale that only he can wax. I dont dispute the dispagre he faces caring for his young daughter.
How should i know if i want to move across the country. There are a million reasons not to move to some small dusty bowl with a name made up of two different states. Arkahdelphia. Texarkana.
Everything in life has a rise and a fall. Times change and people become happy and cheerful, where they once felt lonely and sad. New, super fun relationships can make you feel so fucking good its unreal. Its better than any high because its a viewfinder to the prospect of close companionship. True togetherness.
We can be loners, attention seekers and inbetweens but what we all really want is someone that gets you. Not just "get" get but really get. Someone you can look at with a side glance in a crowded room and burst out laughing, because only you two know the joke. You two know the funny joke no one else gets. Not because its some kind of comedic brilliance but because its you and him. Thats it. Two people that want each other that get the real joke. The feeling of getting it. That fact that you will laugh at it later when its not even that funny. You will scoff at the disgusting food at a party and go home and fuck like no tomorrow.
Thats what we all really want. The more-than-friend that wants to latch themselves to you in the most perfect dettached way. That person that will being you soup in the middle of the night and ignore you when a sharks game is on. Weeks and months, maybe years pass and you dont even get a blip on the dating radar. You get lonely and tired of searching and groveling for a decent mate.
You've been there...you had fun but now you really want to take on the bull horns. You want to ride off into the sunset with someone that makes you feel alive. We sometimes secretly search out these never ending methods of finding potiential partners with less and less judgement. Various nastyly sweet websites with too good to be true beaus and mixers in crowded bars with prettier girls. At first just the idea of going out and talking to anyone excites you.
Its not the outfit or even the actual men. You rarely believe that you will reallyfind someone. Just the smell of cigar and smoke you usually hate refreshes you. "This is like date" you think. You dont care if they are baldy and blotchy in this ridiculous club or on some vile app. You are actually out there.
You are "looking". Thats enough for now to make you feel confident. Be it the right swipes and page visits or men looking at you from behind the pool table is enough. But at some point...it stops. I never know when it happens but i know that it will.
I will set my eyes on someone and he will turn away and fumble with his phone. I will type a coy and sweet, but not forward message. And i will wait, wherever i am for the first bite. I will grow bored and uninterested with the shine of dating that has begun to wear off. I start to think that maybe i am unattractive. Thanks high school.
Maybe you are going to the wrong bar, in fact. Perhaps you have told to much in the little you relequenish in your perfectly thought out profile. Maybe. But thats okay because it happens right? There are millions of people right? Half of them are creeps and manipulators but you are better than that!
You cant be fooled and wont be conned by some fucker looking to wet his dick for a few nights.
Something starts to change as you settle into the nothingness of your months or even years. Minimal likes and phone calls dont bother you after a while because its truly like it was before you started all the fuss. No dating and no romatnic life. Then it hits you truly, like a anville hitting you instead of the wily coyote. A normal guy.
Not just a cute guy or a sensible and rational guy but a man. A guy you want in with some strange fasination the minute you see him. You want him to fuck you and take care of you. None of that daddy issues nd anti feminist speech this time. You dont know this man but you want him to hold you and tell you that its been along time but "you are the funniest girl ive met".
Someone, in so many words has finally told you that you are cute. Hes charming and handsome. As far as you are concerned those two so rarely pair themselves together you are salivating at the idea. A man that is interested and atttactive!! I jump at the chance with little hesitation. I too, of course, come with my own bag of worms, like we all do.
I have bouts of parinoia, anxiety over details and over dramatic affection and attachement. We all keep our bits and bobs brushed under the rug and only reaveal the worst until asked to do so. For the most part i dont mind revealing my Obsessive compulsions or frantic headspins i seem to fall into over controling my life. I cant keep that wall up anymore.
I dont care about those things because i wsnt to be with someonem truly be with some person out there. So i do, i meet A. Lets call them A. A is charming and funny and witty. He overrides me with razor sharp sarcasam and dericive humor. The sexual tension is obvious to me from the start. Whats to worry about? A smart and good looking guy is into me? Me? Its the new personal "her?" for me.
A guy finally likes me in the way that i want to be liked. In the way that very few people are liked. He wants dominate me when i want. A firm hand and makes laugh when i want to feel good.
Eveything is light and airy but its got to end sometime. One of us has to fuck up a bit. This i understand completely. There is something wrong with him. The sense of normalcy i still hold onto even baffles me. I will crack. When will he? What the fuck is up with this guy.
Only now, do i truly see the light. But the problem is not him but with me. The problem is always with you. What kind of limp sack are you if you let anyone into your life and blame them?? They never tell you how feel about them. Are you not the keeper of your ego and neurotic person?
I must answer that I am. I am me, afterall. Maybe whislt unpacking my baggage i forgot to feel around and pull out emotional masochist and love starved attention hound. I had already figured that i wanted love, and not starved for it like a moron. Somewhere a conjuring of my mother wagging her finger at me keeps the needy girlfriend in me at bay.
But where did i keep my emotional whipping post all this time? Where did i silence my agression to be right and calculating during the browth of this mentally parasite of a desire to please. I know can imagine a feat of being alone and unloved left stewing in a pot of rejcetion and criticism was bound to over flow for me. Some or of casutic reaction to the external stimuli of virgin guilt and true, sincere desire.
"But i now see that it is a shadow of desire in a pit of control. His attraction to me is that of a scientist proding a Petri dish. The fascination one might have while watching an ant run from a magnifying glass heat ray. I wont pretend to deform into some simpering man pleaser with no idea of self preservation. I have become all too cunning. I am a calculating sphinx with A. A lays down the blazing bait and circles me while i pick it up and fling it in his direction first. If i burn, we both burn.Yes we will eventually burn. Maybe thats. An expectation, an omen or "fate". A undesriable conciquence that naturally occurs between two people, fully knowing it is half truth and half dissonance on both ends. But the thing is....me and A have passion. I want him sexually and mentally. Not because im afraid of lonliness but because he makes me feel like it is truly a thing to be wanted by someone. I forget what that thing is when I'm alone. It is a thing beyond a relationship but a drug all of its own. Its not a delusional on your side, but a high that happens out of true companionship."
The feeling you get before grand vacations and moving into new apartments. I only compare it to these things because how ridiculous would it be to call it anything but? Infatuation over a new car for a few months is the most dedication if can bring to describing it. Its not love and its not just the "likes".
This is high action stuff thats going on in your head where you cant down play the itch. You are swept up in the lust of new. New guy with new everything. Even if things are rushed you dont give a fuck because new new NEW! New man is fresh and clean and makes you feel giddy and fearless. You talk for hours on end and tell him things that actually make you blush like an idiot.
You find youself slipping into he stupor of imagining dates and and lovely sequences of you two together. Its momentarily alarming, even to yourself. But it does no harm. Not truly you think. But it does. You fuel part of the irrational lust for him thats slow burning. You ignore red flags and want be the "rational girl".
You want to be funny, wholesome, and light the whole time. You ant to reveal a vulnerable side without hurting your own ego. This is easy enough and you do it because it feels natural. You still are "level" headed to yourself at his point in time. You play slightly detatched and casualbecause thats what you are supposed to do.
It all feels so good until he implies that he wants you too. He tells you not to hold back or hide any emotions. What a shocker for you. A actual real life man wants to you to have an emotional connection. Did mention how this also fuels the irrational emotionally draining fire that is till cracking in he backround?
Hes looking for something serious too. He hasnt said that you have like "tertly coo boobies tho". He has called you a "potiential" which from him is damning. He has driven the stake into the obvious shield you have up. He knows what you want to hear.
He is not overly entertained by most tidbits in your life. This will be a red flag later but not at the moment. Because you can reason that all he big things can be saved for a later date. Because this is going to be a long term thing. It is unspoken but you will it.
He has asked you about your relationship wants and needs and for the time that seems enough. You ask him openly about everything and he replies. A replies with what i still believe is the truth. His version of the truth, which in all honesty is all he can give.
I want this stuff so bad but all my money has to going into moving and finding a new place to live.
Buy it for me please